A sad secret revealed
I created this blog because there was no other place to vent my feelings about my biggest pitfall of all which is filing for bankruptcy. I am not really filing for a complete elimination of debt like Chapter 7 but for a Chapter 13 where I get to pay a nominal amount every month to a trustee.
The process of filing has not even started yet though.
Emotionally, I am a train wreck inside. If I am not showing any tears or crumpling in a corner, I tend to lose track of things or places. I get lost, I misplace my license, I make wrong decisions, in short, I fall apart at the seams. I don't even like to look at my face in the mirror. I feel my height shrinking and am already short to begin with. I notice how inadequate my life is and how very limited my foresight is on a lot of things.
Today was hard. I had to face my bankruptcy atty. and he told me he couldn't file it unless I had paid him the remaining balance which is more than what I have of course. I have resorted to numerous savings attempts. I am plotting on giving him the balance as soon as I can strip myself more of things that have clung to me for so long. There is this diamond solitaire cross necklace I must give up. There goes my indulgence for Victoria's secret or Gap body underwear.
I pack lunch. I try to go for bargains. I don't watch movies. I don't even eat store bought cake.
I haven't told my family only a handful of friends. I am so ashamed and so beset with guilt its almost eating me alive.
I am glad I have the ability to work though and find more part-time jobs. I have let go of many dreams, many wishes, many plans. I realized they were too grandiose for this life of mine. I used to think I had delusional problmes and now I realize that that was partly the problem.
I hope things get better and I hope that I can regain some sense of control over my finances.
It is such a harsh and hard lesson.
Eventhough I feel like I have a disappointing financial status, I still feel happy deep down inside.
It seems as if taking control of my situation and helping myself recover albeit in a manner many would consider as something that could have been easily avoided, I have learned more about myself and who I am. It is like I am finally revealing my core since I feel so exposed and vulnerable. It is very hard to feel so stupid and mad at myself but I have done it for so many moments.
Sometimes I feel it would be better to just stay coped up in a tiny room with a tv, bed and refrigerator with food for a while each day.
I was driving today and I felt like I want to become the woman I was supposed to be. I wanted to become a real lady with real breeding, class and intelligence. I wanted to be someone I was not. I was ready to transform myself.
I thought of making my bankruptcy a chance to regroup myself and reinvent my financial future. I have a wonderful family, a growing career, a great group of friends and I have loved so many people and am loving other still. It's just a matter of me getting myself together again.
But how?
It is all so present tense and about just getting over each days demands. I work 7 days a week now and I am pushing myself to the very limit to earn more. I don't where my sense of saving for a rainy day went but money seems to be just like water in my hands. Right now I am aware of where my hard earned labor goes. I don't turn a blind eye anymore to price tags and I gasp with others at the sheer amount of money that other people charge me.
I admit now that I had no concept of money and of the "fine print." I feel like I was dumbded up and dooped to become a pawn for other people to squeeze money out of. I realize that I only have me to blame.
I feel so sorry for my state of lack and so unwise.
It is hard to cope but am trying and maybe someday I could finally say I don't have money problems.
The process of filing has not even started yet though.
Emotionally, I am a train wreck inside. If I am not showing any tears or crumpling in a corner, I tend to lose track of things or places. I get lost, I misplace my license, I make wrong decisions, in short, I fall apart at the seams. I don't even like to look at my face in the mirror. I feel my height shrinking and am already short to begin with. I notice how inadequate my life is and how very limited my foresight is on a lot of things.
Today was hard. I had to face my bankruptcy atty. and he told me he couldn't file it unless I had paid him the remaining balance which is more than what I have of course. I have resorted to numerous savings attempts. I am plotting on giving him the balance as soon as I can strip myself more of things that have clung to me for so long. There is this diamond solitaire cross necklace I must give up. There goes my indulgence for Victoria's secret or Gap body underwear.
I pack lunch. I try to go for bargains. I don't watch movies. I don't even eat store bought cake.
I haven't told my family only a handful of friends. I am so ashamed and so beset with guilt its almost eating me alive.
I am glad I have the ability to work though and find more part-time jobs. I have let go of many dreams, many wishes, many plans. I realized they were too grandiose for this life of mine. I used to think I had delusional problmes and now I realize that that was partly the problem.
I hope things get better and I hope that I can regain some sense of control over my finances.
It is such a harsh and hard lesson.
Eventhough I feel like I have a disappointing financial status, I still feel happy deep down inside.
It seems as if taking control of my situation and helping myself recover albeit in a manner many would consider as something that could have been easily avoided, I have learned more about myself and who I am. It is like I am finally revealing my core since I feel so exposed and vulnerable. It is very hard to feel so stupid and mad at myself but I have done it for so many moments.
Sometimes I feel it would be better to just stay coped up in a tiny room with a tv, bed and refrigerator with food for a while each day.
I was driving today and I felt like I want to become the woman I was supposed to be. I wanted to become a real lady with real breeding, class and intelligence. I wanted to be someone I was not. I was ready to transform myself.
I thought of making my bankruptcy a chance to regroup myself and reinvent my financial future. I have a wonderful family, a growing career, a great group of friends and I have loved so many people and am loving other still. It's just a matter of me getting myself together again.
But how?
It is all so present tense and about just getting over each days demands. I work 7 days a week now and I am pushing myself to the very limit to earn more. I don't where my sense of saving for a rainy day went but money seems to be just like water in my hands. Right now I am aware of where my hard earned labor goes. I don't turn a blind eye anymore to price tags and I gasp with others at the sheer amount of money that other people charge me.
I admit now that I had no concept of money and of the "fine print." I feel like I was dumbded up and dooped to become a pawn for other people to squeeze money out of. I realize that I only have me to blame.
I feel so sorry for my state of lack and so unwise.
It is hard to cope but am trying and maybe someday I could finally say I don't have money problems.
posted by JJ @ 1:20 PM
1 comments
